It’s been two weeks since I have written anything. It’s been two weeks since I have meditated or done qi gong also. These are the practices I have chosen in an attempt to connect deeply to that part of myself that is God. To live more often in a state of joyfulness. To embrace living in a deep way. I began this journey about six months ago and I have to tell you I have struggled. My goal is to write for thirty minutes, meditate and practice qi gong every day. Most days I have failed to do all three but up until two weeks ago, most days I did at least one of them and often, I did two.
So what’s happened in the last two weeks? It started when I had four days of paid work that was challenging and new for me. I decided that for those four days I would focus on the work. And it was good. I was happy with my performance and I didn’t feel time pressured. And then on the last day of work a terrible stomach bug hit me. I went home and was unable to do anything but curl up around a bucket, waiting miserably for the next bout of vomiting. This illness hit me hard and it lingered. It was another four days before I could eat anything more than oatmeal or toast in small quantities. At the same time my son had a bad cold and was home from school for a couple of days. but honestly, I still could have done my writing and meditating but it was quite comfortable not to. I have lapsed into the comfort of just looking after practical matters, not thinking too deeply about anything. I have even questioned whether there is really any point to all this deep thinking and striving for spiritual growth. The truth is, a contemplative life, even one where the practices only take up an hour or so a day, is at the same time tedious and terrifying. So often the writing seems pointless, the meditation boring and frustrating as my mind refuses to sit still. The qi gong is often wooden and dull as I count the minutes to when I can stop. At the same time ideas flow through my mind like water through a sieve and I’m afraid that the ideas that remain may not be gold but simple pyrite, bright and shiny but not of much use. Am I a seeker or just a ridiculous fool?
I am going to get back on the horse and return to my practices, as tedious as they may feel. I am going to risk being ridiculous because nothing great has ever been accomplished by someone who just skimmed along the surface of life. Buddhists have an idea called windhorse. There are people for whom everything seems to just fall into place, everything they touch seems to succeed and grow. They are people who are really following their calling. These people have found their windhorse, so that the universe seems to conspire with them to make their ideas, realities. I am going to get back on the horse because maybe, just maybe it will become my windhorse.