My resolution this year is to be. That’s it. It doesn’t sound like much but in this world of so much doing it is challenging to move into being. There are so many things to be done. I move into being through meditation, walking in nature, inspired writing and qi gong. It is beautiful to see how I am changing as I shift my priority to being. And yes, the call of all the doing is strong so there is laundry to be done and I meditate, the bathroom needs cleaning and I am walking, the groceries need buying and I am writing and meditating and there are dishes in the sink as I walk out the door to qi gong class. My youngest child began school this year so I have much more time to play with than I ever have before. I decided it was an opportunity I needed to embrace, a blessing that I would turn away at my own peril.So I meditate and the dishes are still in the sink. I write and the floor needs sweeping. I walk and there are emails unopened. I practice qi gong and dinner is not planned. But somehow most of the things to do still get done. No one has run out of underwear (yet) and dinner always gets made even if it’s a bit boring. And something in me is growing, blossoming. I know all the things to do will eventually come together as I learn to put my being first. I am in delicious anticipation of what this year will bring. My year of being.
This fall when my youngest daughter started school I began to notice how often I was doing things to numb my feelings. I began to be impatient with myself because I was wasting so much of my time on activities that really weren’t productive but I couldn’t seem to keep myself working on the things I thought I should be doing. I would drift between chores, not really completing anything to my satisfaction but not understanding how I could find the motivation to ‘get things done’. My children would be in school for five hours every day and I couldn’t seem to get the vacuuming done! I was very frustrated. I read the newspaper to cover my boredom, drank coffee to cover my tiredness, ate to cover my sadness, went shopping to cover my helplessness. I hadn’t expected this transition to be so hard. Shouldn’t my life feel easier when I have five hours a day to myself? Now, my kids going to school wasn’t the only change happening in my life. My cousin died of breast cancer and I went to see her in her last days. A close friend lost her brother to a drug overdose. Difficult transitions to go through. Finally I decided to see my time as a gift and began devoting more time to my own wellbeing. I loosened my grip on all the things I ‘should’ be doing and began going for walks, practicing qi gong, meditating and writing. My intention was to do these things every day but of course that did not happen. But I had softened and I didn’t beat myself up, I just appreciated what I did manage to do. And slowly, day by day, the numbing fell away. This is what lead up to my resolution for 2015.